A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away……
It is a period of festive madness. BlogSpotUK rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Debt Empire.
During the battle, BlogSpotUK rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the DEBT STAR, an armoured space station with enough bad financial advice to destroy the credit files of an entire planet.
Pursued by the Empire’s sinister enforcement agents, Princess Payer races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen debt management plans that can save her people and restore financial freedom to the galaxy…
The Imperial Warship approached menacingly. Without resistance the dreaded Darth Creditor, accompanied by his squadron of Loantroopers, seized the Starship-Creditworthy in pursuit of BlogSpotUK Rebel Leader Princess Payer.
“Find her and bring her to me”, his deathly tone boomed leaving no room for error.
The Imperial squadron dispatched in search of the Princess. Suspected of stealing secret Debt Management Plans, the princess had quickly become public enemy number one for the dreaded Darth Creditor. On hearing of the Dark Lord’s imminent arrival she quickly rushed to send the plans to a trusted source who could deliver them to the Rebel Alliance Head Quarters.
Hastily she stored the plans, along with an SOS message, inside a service droid named Matt2-IT2. Accompanied by his interpreter droid friend C3-Phil-O, they were the only hope the Princess had of dispatching the plans to the other Rebel Alliance leaders.
As she finished recording the message there was a huge explosion. BOOM! Looking up through the smoke she could see a platoon of Loantroopers storming in through the hole that was once the entrance to her private quarters followed by the fearsome Darth Creditor.
“Seize her immediately!” Creditor commanded
“You have no business on this ship Lord Creditor. What is the meaning of this intrusion?” queried the Princess flippantly
“You are suspected of stealing secret plans from the Empire Princess, making you MY business!”
His voice was cold and cutting, sure to send a shiver down the spine of any man or woman. This was no routine check, this was a coup, and the Princess was under no illusion that it could well be a long time before she saw her ship and crew again, if ever. The plans simply had to make their intended target, the fate of the galaxy depended on it. Placed under arrest ready to be taken into custody the Loantroopers lead her to the formidable looking Imperial Warship. As they were leaving, in the corner of his eye, Creditor noticed an emergency space pod leave the Starship-Creditworthy.
“What is that?” he yelled
“There are no life forms detected on board Lord Creditor, it must be a malfunction” said a Loantrooper
“Get the Princess on board to be interrogated. I want the location of those plans swiftly”
“Yes Lord Creditor” said the Loantrooper as he bowed and cowered away.
Matt2-IT2 and C3-Phil-O strapped themselves into the emergency space pod, as they left Matt2-IT2 started to beep incessantly.
“A secret mission?” asked C3-Phil-O, “What secret mission could the Princess have possibly given to you?” he said with a mocking tone
“I must deliver the plans hidden inside me to the one called Frugal Wan Kenobi on Timptooine” he beeped.
“Matt2 I think you must have malfunctioned, now please let’s not hear any more of this”
The pod entered the atmosphere of Timptooine and began its descent towards the ground.
The space pod landed safely. Matt2-IT2 and C3-Phil-O departed and surveyed the desert laid out before them seeking any signs of life.
“I must deliver the plans hidden inside me to the one called Frugal Wan Kenobi on Timptooine, I must deliver the plans hidden inside me to the one called Frugal Wan Kenobi on Timptooine” Matt2-IT2 repeated his beeping getting louder and more aggressive
“Matt2 you have no secret mission, do not be absurd. We must find help before we rust away out here”
“I do have a mission and I cannot rest until I have completed it” Matt2-IT2 beeped as he started to wheel away
“Matt2 come back here at once” cried C3-Phil-O
“Beep off” returned Matt2-IT2
“Ok fine. Have it your way. Don’t blame me when you meet your rusty end out here!”
No sooner had the words left his mouth they were set upon by a tribe of opportunistic Wongalings. The Wongalings were a notorious gang of credit merchants with a penchant for capturing droids and selling them on finance with ludicrous interest rates around the galaxy. One reached for his phasor and stunned the two helpless droids. Shocked into emergency shutdown mode, both droids were loaded onto the Wongalings sand crawler ready to be sold at market.
The Wongalings unloaded their cargo of droids to the waiting crowd on Timptooine market. A local boy by the name of Luke Debtdodger perused the droids carefully. “How much for this droid?” he enquired
“You may take this one on a pay by week basis with an annual APR of 600%”
“Ok I’ll take him” he said pointing at Mat2-IT2
“Why not take the translator droid too? I can give you a very good deal for the two”
Without hesitation, Luke Debtdodger took both droids, as sound financial advice was hard to come by on Timptooine.
“Oh thank you, thank you Sir, you will find us both to be competent service droids ready to serve our new master” C3-Phil-O interrupted.
“Luke will be fine, no need for master here” Luke joked
“Yes Master Luke of course”
Luke took the droids home to show to his aunty and uncle, who owned a farm just down the road.
“Luke, take those droids into the garage whilst we eat” said his aunty Borrow.
“Do as your aunt asks you Luke” his uncle Owesalot said.
As Luke took the droids to the garage ready for reconditioning he noticed that the small service droid was still continually beeping.
“Do you know what he is saying?” Luke said to C3-Phil-O
“Oh Sir I am sorry, he has been repeating the same message all day and night. I fear he may have malfunctioned”
“But what is he saying?”
“He claims he has a secret mission Sir. He has an urgent message to deliver to a Frugal Wan Kenobi”
“Frugal Wan Kenobi? I wonder if he’s talking about David Kenobi. But what service droid could possibly have a secret mission?”
“This is exactly what I have been trying to tell him Sir but he is very stubborn and simply will not listen”
“Both of you power down” Luke ordered, “I will be back after we have ate”
Upon his return, to his shock, Matt2-IT2 had disappeared.
“C3-Phil-O where is Matt2-IT2?” Luke shouted
“Oh Sir I have no idea, I do apologise, shall I help you search for him?” he said nervously
“I have installed a tracking device to him. He can’t be too far away, come with me.”
On the Debt Star, Darth Creditor had arrived with the captured Princess Payer.
“Take her and find out what she knows” he commanded. “I want the location of the Secret Debt Management Plans without further delay”
Locked in a holding cell, Payer was interrogated vigorously, but the Empire and it’s dark Lord had underestimated just how strong the young Princess was. Even the legendary truth test was no match for Payer as she stubbornly revealed nothing. Darth Creditor entered the room and looked her dead in the eyes with his frightening, icy glare. If the Princess could withstand such intense interrogation, let’s see how she dealt with the darkside of the Financial Force, he thought.
Princess Payer slammed both hands down on the table in front of her, her temper had now reached boiling point.
“You will get nothing from me Creditor, you do not scare me” Payer said unconvincingly.
“When you have felt the true power of the darkside of the Financial Force I think you may change your mind Princess. You cannot stop the galaxy building up more debt at Christmas. You and your band of rebels are fighting an ever increasing losing battle!”
“I have saved every penny possible for the big day, I need nothing from you!” she cried.
“I find your lack of disposable income disturbing. Only by giving yourself to the dark side of the force can you have this payday loan with questionable interest rate” he said, his voice brimming with rage
“Never!” She screamed.
“Ok Princess, have it your way. If you will not give me the information I need, you can sit and watch as I destroy the finances of your entire planet.”
“No…. You can’t” she screamed
“Oh I think you’ll find I can Princess”
And with that the Debt Star let out a blinding beam of light, sending enough bad financial advice to completely decimate the credit files of the planet Altrincham.
Luke hurriedly jumped into his sandcruiser with C3-Phil-O and set off in search of Matt2-IT2. The little droid could certainly move, he was nowhere in sight and Luke was beginning to think he may be lost for good. Then, out in the distance, a reflection of light flashed through the blowing sand.
“There he is, right ahead!” Luke cried.
“Oh Master Luke I think you may be right. I’m surprised he has made it so far out here on his own”
They pulled up at the side of Matt2 and quickly loaded him into the sandcruiser.
“I must deliver the plans hidden inside me to the one called Frugal Wan Kenobi on Timptooine” Matt2 relentlessly repeated
“Matt2-IT2, are you seriously going to continue with the charade? Master Luke I can only apologise on his behalf for all the trouble he has caused you already. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he was used for scrap metal after this”
“He does seem pretty insistent” said Luke. He pondered for a moment, “Hmmm, ok Matt2, I will take you to David Kenobi.
As they approached their destination, Frugal Wan came out to greet the trio.
“How can I be of service?” Frugal Wan said
“I recently purchased this service droid. He says he has a secret message for a Frugal Wan Kenobi, I have tried to tell him that no such person exists, you were the closest I could think of”
“Oh he exists alright, but it is a name that I haven’t heard for many, many years now”
“Are you Frugal Wan Kenobi?” Luke asked
“I am indeed Luke”
“But…. That’s impossible, how do you know my name?” Luke asked suspiciously
“I fought alongside your father in the Loan Wars Luke” Frugal said with great pride in his voice, “He was a very great and powerful Solvent Knight until he was killed by the evil debt Lord Darth Creditor”
“You knew my father?”
“Yes Luke, it was me who trained your father in the ways of the Financial Force. Come now. Let us go inside to see what your little droid friend has to say”
They stepped inside; Luke noted it looked more like a cave than a place to live. Matt2-IT2 searched his memory banks and played back the message for Frugal Wan. Suddenly a hologram of Princess Payer appeared.
“Frugal Wan, I have stored secret Debt Management Plans within this droid. They must make it to the BlogSpotUK Rebel Alliance headquarters. They contain vital information that can bring down the Debt Star. Please help Frugal Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope”
Frugal Wan turned to Luke, though his face was ageing; there was a youthful glint in his eye as he spoke.
“Luke I am going to need your help. Allow me to train you in the ways of the Financial Force like your father before you. With your help we can take these plans and take our first steps towards financial freedom for the galaxy”
Luke sighed, torn between what his family needed and his own personal goals.
“Oh I don’t know Frugal Wan, I’m just a farmhand and my uncle needs me for this year’s harvest”
“Luke you can be much, much more. The Financial Force is strong with your family. Let us go and speak with your guardians to tell them about our mission. They will understand eventually that this is your destiny”
Luke, Frugal and the two droids jumped into Luke’s sandcruiser to tell his guardians of his mission. They were too late. To Luke’s horror Imperial Forces had already paid his aunt and uncle a visit in search of the two droids. The farm had been repossessed and his family were in financial ruin.
“Ok Frugal Wan, let’s do this. Let’s bring the Empire to its knees!”
“Where are we heading?” asked Luke inquisitively.
“Manchester spaceport” said Frugal Wan, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
They arrived to find the spaceport heavily guarded by Loantroopers. News of the wanted droids had spread fast throughout the galaxy, every bounty hunter and Empire loyalist was out in search of the plans stored within Matt2.
“Halt!” ordered a Loantrooper as they tried to pass. “How long have you had these droids? Let me see your identification!”
Frugal Wan raised his hand and made a sweeping motion across his eyes.
“You do not need to see their identification” Frugal Wan said
“We do not need to see their identification” he repeated
“These are not the debtors you are looking for”
“These are not the debtors we are looking for”
“He can go about his business”
“You can go about your business”
Without hesitation the Loantrooper let them pass.
“How did you do that?” Luke asked excitedly
“There are many things you are yet to learn about the Financial Force Luke” said Frugal Wan with a wry smile.
They headed for the Cantina, an onsite establishment that provided drinks and entertainment. Once in, they searched for a pilot who could help them deliver the stolen Debt Management Plans to the BlogSpotUK Rebel Alliance. A suspicious looking pair sat in the far corner of the bar, a handsome looking man and his Loaniie co-pilot. The Loaniies were a planet of beast like creatures, famed for the fearless attitude and courage in battle. Their names were Han Foleyo and Chewmacca, and the four companions could not have stumbled across them at a better time, for Han and Chewmacca were up to their eyeballs in debt with the terrifying loan shark Bailiff the Hut. A large payday was exactly what they needed to release them from the evil clutches of Bailiff and get their bank balances back in the black.
Negotiations were swift and successful and a fee was agreed in moments. Han directed them to his cargo ship, the Financial Falcon. Chewmacca suddenly came rushing into the hanger-bay under fire from Bailiff and his enforcement agents, closely followed by a platoon of Loantroopers.
“Everybody on board NOW!” cried Han
Quickly the newly formed troop of rebels made their way on board. As Hans Foleyo did not allow Bailiff inside the Financial Falcon he had no legal obligation to let him take any of his possessions and they escaped with them all intact.
“Hold onto your hats” Hans said as he hit hyperdrive and sped away in search of the planet Altrincham.
“What the……” Hans cried as he tried to navigate his way through the oncoming asteroid field. “This is impossible. According to my coordinates Altrincham should be just there in the distance.”
The planet had imploded under the weight of the terrible financial advice sent by the Debt Star. In the distance they could make out the outline of a gigantic ship, or could it be a small rogue planet that had lost its orbit? No. This was the Debt Star!
“Do we dare approach?” said Luke Debtdodger fear running through his voice.
“We’ll never make it past those defences alive, we need to turn around and form a plan to get on this thing” advised Han
“Darth Creditor is on that space station” Frugal Wan said, “I can feel his presence. Approach with caution, I will get us aboard”
Darth Creditor approached the bridge on the Debt Star and turned slowly to Commander Credit.
“What is that cargo ship approaching?” Creditor enquired
“So far Lord Creditor it is unidentified, but we are about to bring it in with the tractor beam”
“No. Let them enter without resistance, I feel a presence on that ship I have not felt in a very long time”
The Financial Falcon approached the docking bay and landed safely
“Using your Solvent Knight mind tricks again Frugal Wan?” said Luke cockily
“No Luke. We must approach with extreme caution. I have matters to take care of, You go with Han and the rest to rescue the Princess”
“We cannot leave you alone Frugal Wan”
“The Financial Force is with me young Debtdodger, I am never alone”
They entered the Debt Star and quietly made their way in. Frugal Wan left them to find the Princess and went off in the opposite direction to seek out the dark Lord Darth Creditor.
Frugal Wan swept through the corridors of the gigantic space station with careful precision. He could feel the presence of Darth Creditor and knew it wouldn’t be long before he came face to face with the most feared man in the galaxy. Frugal Wan had a serene sense of calm about it, it was his destiny. As he side stepped around the next corner the dreaded dark Lord lay in wait.
“I have been expecting you Frugal Wan. It has been a long time since we last met”
“I am here to stop you and your evil emperor Darth. Your reign of tyranny is fast approaching its end”
“I wouldn’t be so certain of that old man” he said as he took out his light saber and launched into a deadly assault.
The two men fought gallantly, but this was one battle that Frugal Wan was not concerned with winning as he knew that winning the war was most important if he was to help the galaxy to reach financial freedom. Darth Creditor swiped the light saber from Frugal Wan’s hand and with that he was unarmed and sure to meet certain doom.
“You can’t win Darth. If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine”
Creditor struck Frugal Wan with his light saber, and he disappeared without trace. No mortal body was left, the battle was over. Darth quickly set off in pursuit of the rebels that he was aware were trying to free Princess Payer.
Princess Payer lay in her cell, when the door blew through and the rebels came pouring in she was overwhelmed by joy.
“Princess this way, it’s time to get you out of here” Luke said as he raised an outstretched hand to her
“Yes it is!” she exclaimed, “And I know a way”
They set off, pursued by the evil Lord Creditor and his band of Loantroopers. The Financial Falcon was in sight, part one of the mission was almost complete. Creditor and his Loantroopers had arrived moments too late. The group of rebels scrambled on board the Financial Falcon under fire.
“Hurry!” screamed the Princess, “If we don’t leave now we’re all dead!”
“I’m doing everything I can your royal highness, now take a seat nobody likes a backseat driver!” Han snapped back
Chewmacca hit hyperdrive and the Financial Falcon was out of sight and safe, for now. They had almost made it, the plans were intact and ready to be delivered to the Rebel Alliance headquarters and financial freedom from the evil galactic Debt Empire was now in sight.
The rebels arrived at the BlogSpotUK Rebel Alliance headquarters with the stolen plans. Now was the time to form a strategy to take down the dreaded Debt Star. Many meetings were held and then the time for action came.
A fleet of the Rebel Alliances best pilots set off to take on the evil Debt Empire. The plans had revealed a weakness in the Debt Star not previously known. If they could load the Debt Management Plans into the Debt Star the galaxy would be well on the way to financial freedom.
The mood on the Debt Star was one of confidence. Darth Creditor and the evil Emperor were prepared for the rebels and believed nothing could loosen their grip on the Empire.
Darth Creditor had joined the Imperial Forces in battle. It was fierce, with casualties on both sides. Hope was waning but the rebels kept fighting on valiantly. It was now or never, they would not get another chance like this, failure was not an option.
One by one the pilots tried in vain to send the plans to the Debt Stars mainframe, all had failed thus far. It was time for Luke Debtdodger to step up. Darth Creditor was in hot pursuit, when he suddenly, Luke heard the voice of Frugal Wan Kenobi.
“Use the Financial Force Luke” his voice echoed “Let it guide you”
The Financial Force was strong with Luke and despite the advances of Darth Creditor he was on course and looked unstoppable.
“Launch the plans Luke” Frugal Wan pleaded
“I can’t I don’t have a clear shot”
“The Financial Force will guide you Luke. Believe in yourself, trust in your ability”
Luke launched the plans. Direct hit! The Debt Star let out an almighty groan before sending out a blinding beam of light encompassing every inch of the galaxy. The secret Debt management Plans were making their way throughout the galaxy. Years of terrible financial advice were about to be undone as the galaxy received the advice it needed to gain financial freedom. The Debt Star obliterated in an explosion that could be seen throughout the galaxy. The iron grip of the evil Debt Empire was loosened and the galaxy was free.
The people rejoiced, this would be the last Christmas that crippled their finances, no longer would their heads be buried in the sand, they could take the advice they had needed for so long and tackle their debt created by the evil Empire.